(US); 1992; Rated R; 88 Minutes
Robert Factor: Willis
Martha Quinn: Lisa Cummings
Aaron Lustig: Vernon Locknut
Michael Huddleston: Corky
Roumel Reaux: Flip Humble
Paul Hipp: Dan O'Dare
Rodney Ueno: Moon
Produced by Charles
Band and Keith S. Payson; Directed by Ted Nicolaou;
Screenwritten by Jackson Barr
by DAVID KEYES
any person on this planet point out one good thing about
Bad Channels? It’s not likely, considering the fact
that it is severely dimwitted, on top of the fact that it
pushes so many buttons that I wouldn’t blame anyone who
would like to push them back.
is a movie where nearly every person that sees it can agree
on one major thing: the level of badness it and the studio
represents. The film has no points whatsoever to save it,
and probably never had any intelligent humans on the set
to point out its numerous shortcomings. The result astounds
people in absolute boredom and dead silence; to witness
it unfold is as bad as having a root canal.
movie opens with the audience meeting a radio DJ named "Dangerous"
Dan O’Dare, who, in his radio career, has managed to make
audiences madder than hell (and I’m not talking just about
his radio audience, either). We learn that in the past he
has stooped so low to play 20 hours of polka music straight
until someone can correctly guess the combination to the
lock that keeps him in his chair (heck, 20 hours of polka
would be a picnic in this case).
a pig and ignoramus, no doubt (so are the people who made
the movie), but he and his worthless subplots with other
people working at the radio station are quickly subverted
and ignored when an alien with the head in the shape of
deformed fruit lands on Earth to take over the radio station
the alien initially succeeds, he covers the station doors
with a bubbly, green slime so that no one can get to him
in any way (maybe screens playing Bad Channels should
have this, too, so no one can get into this movie). Soon,
the lumpy-headed alien is on the air, charming female listeners
of the radio station with his War Of The Worlds act,
only it’s for real (supposedly).
we meet Lisa Cummings, played by former MTV VJ Martha Quinn.
She’s a TV reporter who happens to stumble onto the alien’s
plan for world domination, and plans to bring it to a downfall.
the alien uses some sort of alien device to pull three ‘unique’
female listeners of his into music-video fantasies, which
all end with the girls shrunk to the size of ten inches,
enclosed in glass cases for the ugly alien to admire (too
bad he doesn’t have standards).
when Lisa gets wind of this, her attempt to destroy the
alien fails, and she, too, is shrunk down to ten inches.
but if you think that’s bad, wait--it gets worse. Dan and
his sidekicks, after sitting around panicking their heads
off for an hour of the picture (what, not two?), get together
to take down the alien once and for all. The stumble in
on him while Lisa is being transformed to a miniature, and
they manage to reverse the process in scenes so fragmented
and un-fixated that we can’t actually tell what goes on.
The next thing we know, one of the station members is spraying
household spray cleaner at the alien, which knocks the aliens
head off to reveal an ugly deformed-looking plant with an
annoying screeching sound (this is a rip-off from Little
Shop Of Horrors). But that, too, is taken out with the
spray cleaner (Dan’s ‘secret’ weapon, to be noted).
so we are left with one final unsolved thought--what will
come of the radio station after the mess recently on air?
What will come of Earth? How will they react? That, I presume,
is for you to figure out, but if you were just as appalled
at this movie like I was, don’t dare try to answer--you
shouldn’t really care, anyway.
one should care. No, not even those who made Bad Channels.
Did someone actually find this type of material amusing?
Did they think it would sell like hot cakes? I fear that
the creators of this movie must have had brain tissue damaged
sometime in their lifetimes.
out of the room in disbelief from this mess, I was instantly
reminded of one frame that the movie brought on to me. During
one of the music video sequences, a rock star turned his
head to the camera and shouted in utter loudness "it really
sucks!" What words to perfectly describe this movie.
1998, David Keyes, Cinemaphile.org.
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if the above review contains any spelling or grammar mistakes.