1999; Not Rated; 72 Minutes
Dale Ashmun, Dudley Batchelor, Garth Currie, Jason Deas,
Karl DeMolay, Loreli Fuller, Roy "Rusty" Jackson, Veronica
Russell and John Sinclair
Produced, directed and screenwritten by Mike Lyddon,
Karl DeMolay & Will Frank
by DAVID KEYES
vs. Mardi Gras" is a nasty, dreadful, inept, and utterly
worthless excuse for a movie that is only of use to experiment
filmmakers looking for encouragement that they cannot possibly
lower themselves to such a level of stupidity. And when
I say this is the worst film ever made, I'm not excluding
all those other cinematic travesties, either--this is something
worse than "Bulworth," worse than "I Spit On Your Grave,"
worse than "Caligula," worse than "Very Bad Things," worse
than "Bad Channels," and, yes, even worse than "Dazed And
Confused." Interestingly enough, this release comes only
a short year after "Let's Talk About Sex," a film which,
at the time, I considered to be the most putrid major motion
picture production in existence. Critics seldom admit that
they are wrong, but in a case like this, I can no longer
justify that proclamation. "Let's Talk About Sex" was tame
compared to this pile of shallow trash.
most infuriating about this ill-fated project actually has
nothing to do with the on-screen display of perversion.
Oh sure, the film is to blame for much of visual ineptitude,
but on a technical level, "Zombie! vs. Mardi Gras" appropriately
deserves its title as the most pitiful endeavor in moviemaking.
Shot in black and white with what looks like home video
footage (it's actually filmed silent, with recorded dialogue
trying to match up with the characters' mouths), the movie
utters an incoherent story of a man whose torturous past
in the Mardi Gras forces him to make an agonizing decision.
He unleashes Zombie!--spelled just like that, with an exclamation
point, even in the movie title--who creeps around for over
60 minutes on the streets of this Mardi Gras, and wreaks
havoc wherever he goes. At least that's what the premise
supposedly says; the movie itself is so badly edited and
choreographed that this creature is unfittingly given the
characteristics of both Edward Scissorhands and a vampire,
all while maintaining that typical "zombie" limp (oh, and
if you manage to sit through the credits, you'll get to
see just how ugly the guy is up close).
time the undead creature kills a person, they become the
living dead as well, walking through the streets carrying
jewelry on their hands (pearl necklaces, bracelets, etc.).
The movie is actually more concerned with breast shots than
anything else, though. After every killing, there's two
or three women in the street who lift up their shirts, I
guess, because they're drunk and are having a good time.
The movie may very well be trying to imitate the not-so-original
style of the "Friday The 13th" movies, in which boobs flashed
every twenty seconds, and people were killed after having
sex. At least with those movies we were able to understand
what was going on.
insipid plot line is accompanied by at least 20 other subplots,
and they each seem to come from out of nowhere, only to
end long before they have even started (sometimes even a
few seconds after they are introduced). And with every twist,
none of the subplots seem to have anything to do with the
actual story. One of the most painful is the use of two
characters speaking French, which is shot so dark that you
can't even clearly see the peoples' faces. To make matters
worse, the subtitles at the bottom of the screen are grammatically
incorrect ("Where am you going?"??!?). Pile that on top
of the pointless situation--a guy is angry because his girlfriend
is going out, although the movie never actually asks "where?".
does this story go? Nowhere, really, other than to yet another
subplot involving men who pass the zombie in the streets,
and try to stop his wrath. Example: a man dressed in what
appears to be a Ninja suit captures the attention of the
walking dead guy by yelling his name. As he approaches the
zombie, he jumps, prepared to kick him in the face. What
does this zombie do to subvert that action? When the foot
is close enough, he bites off the toes. The manner in which
this shot is filmed is so contrived and obvious that not
even the man in the Ninja suit can keep a straight face.
was this movie made? To push, I presume, the boundaries
of moral reprehension and, most importantly, our buttons.
Undoubtedly this was a project filmed not to attract any
decent reviews, but to attract an audience by the surefire
badmouthing critics would give it. And believe me, people
who read this review will have to see the film for themselves
just to see how vile and incompetent these ludicrous images
and displays can get. Oh, and then there's a scene in which
a blonde woman flashes the Zombie!, and he rips off one
of her breasts, devouring it while she stands there screaming
(all in broad daylight, too). After she dies, a gathering
crowd notices the wound, and the puddle of blood beside
it. One of the onlookers announces "this is the most blood
I have ever seen in my life." Someone should send this guy
to see "Fight Club."
1999, David Keyes, Cinemaphile.org.
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if the above review contains any spelling or grammar mistakes.